When the priest asked you whether you wanted to marry the priest, you answered ‘yes’. You are young, dreamy for the future and in love. When he announces you as his wife and husband, you are full of happiness and love. You knew that you would be happy together in a large, safe house.
The first few years were wonderful. There was – admittedly! – a little quarrel every now and again, but then there were the children and the rest of the family. As the years passed, you felt more empty. You feel that your love for your partner has run its course and you are ready to divorce him/her. How do you do this?
Make sure you are clear about your case before you take action
Marriage is, in most cases, a life-changing decision. You vow your loyalty forever to someone “in prosperity or adversity,” up until the end. This is a loaded promise and should not be taken lightly. In essence, you promise to stay with your spouse for all of your lives, even when circumstances are not in your favor.
If you kept your word, you wouldn’t get divorced. It’s not a problem anymore. Divorce is a common occurrence these days. The divorce process should not be taken lightly, just as with marriage. The impact of divorce on your family and friends will be huge.
Although it’s not your intention to remain in a marriage, it doesn’t hurt not to consider all options before making a decision. Don’t rush to make a decision. Take the time to consider all options. Is there any hope for your marriage, or is it too late?
Tip #1: These 7 Questions Are Essential
You don’t have to be crazy about asking that one question: “Do I want him to divorce me or not?” The following seven questions will help you make your decision. These questions will allow you to get the answer you need. You might also be able to make a well-thought decision.
# 1 Are you still in love with your spouse?
Unless you feel totally unsafe (emotional, physical, mental or financial), the only reason for divorce is a lack in affection for your spouse. You should only divorce your spouse if you are unable to love and support them as a family member.
You shouldn’t ask for a divorce if you argue too often or because you aren’t intimately and together. These are good reasons to have a conversation with each other, to share your feelings and maybe to decide to enter relationship therapy. These are not reasons to end your relationship. Therapy can help you if you have still feelings for one another.
# 2 Have you ever been married?
If the spouses consider themselves to be a “we” instead of two people living together, a marriage can only be called a “marital relationship”. Marriage is more than just buying a house, having children, and appearing together on occasion. Marriage is a union of two people, a facade based on love.
You can find out for yourself if you really are a “we” or just a “you and me”. Did you marry because you believed it should be? Or did you just perform the necessary activities because that was what was expected of a couple? Are you married because of a deep passion and desire to marry?
#3 Are you ready to get divorced or are you just being threatened?
It’s not unusual for spouses to threaten to divorce. Sometimes, husbands will shout “I’m going after you!” during a heated argument. Here are some reasons to cause these arguments:
– Anger, frustration
– The spouse’s way of seeing the situation from your side, by sighing for control and power over the other.
– To tell your spouse that you want to make a change
This is a wake-up call to your marriage.
You should be aware that you can significantly diminish your credibility with your spouse if your threats of divorce are frequent. If you are ready to get divorced, it is safe to say that you are at peace and can do nothing or give up anything for your spouse. It will be possible to talk about it with your spouse, without accusing each other.
#4 Is your decision based in self-awareness, or an emotionally reactive one?
If you’re in a position of divorcing your spouse, it means that you can make a clear and unambiguous decision that you support. This means you can let go of any strong emotional ties that you have with your spouse, both the bittersweet and the hurtful. Emotional actions can often be impulsive and unwise.
If you can see that your decision to end the marriage is a genuine one, and not an emotional one, you will be ready. If you can say, “I recognize that you are an individual with your own personality, dreams, and values, and I respect that fact, but I don’t want to be married” This means that your emotional attachment has diminished to your spouse.
#5 What’s your motivation for wanting a divorce.
It is a sign that you are not ready to divorce if you have other motives than ending the marriage. You should not assume your spouse will suddenly be more understanding and compassionate. Even then, you may still experience difficulties. Divorce does not grant you the right to change someone’s mind to end a marriage.
# 6 Are you able to resolve your internal divorce dispute?
Because your lives are so intertwined and you have become dependent upon each other throughout your marriage, you may feel guilty if your partner suddenly decides that they don’t love you anymore and wants to divorce you. Preparing for divorce involves acknowledging your guilt and internal conflict as well as the fact that you are dealing with the consequences of divorce.
#7 Are you ready to cope with the emotional trauma of a divorce settlement?
Divorce is not just about ending a marriage. Ask yourself if you are ready to make the next step before you decide to divorce. If you’re not ready for the next changes, then you may not be ready for divorce.
– Changes to your financial, lifestyle or tradition
Acceptance of the sadness, anger and frustration of your children
Acceptance of uncertainty, fear, and the unknown
Tip #2: Have a conversation with your spouse
It will be embarrassing to tell your spouse you are going to divorce them. Unless it is a blessing for you. However, the way you tell your spouse will determine how your divorce goes. Follow these guidelines:
Choose a moment when you are sure that you will not be disturbed – switch off your telephones and place your children with relatives/acquaintances. Start the conversation by telling him what you are going to say (the bad news). Don’t turn your back, but give clear and direct reasons. Don’t get bogged down in a long story. Give your partner an opportunity to reply.
Listen to your partner
It is possible for your husband’s reaction to your announcement to be very surprised and even hurtful. You can expect your husband to throw all manner of reproaches at you, but don’t allow yourself to get defensive. This will only lead to a fight.
Tell your spouse as objectively and honestly as you can what you’ve seen and experienced in your marriage. Also, tell your loved one what (negative) emotions this has evoked in them. Don’t say that your partner is “a bad husband” or anything similar. You can prevent your partner feeling embarrassed. Listen to your partner and let him/her speak. Occasionally, summarize what you think your partner said.
End of the (first) discussion
This will likely not be your only discussion about divorce. There are many details to discuss regarding divorce. However, first give your spouse space to make your decision.
Tell your partner you are confident that you will reach an acceptable agreement. However, this is not the right time. Reiterate what you’ve said. Reassure your spouse that it is okay to express sympathy and that you are willing to cooperate when necessary. End the conversation.
Tip # 3: Process your divorce
Even though you are the one asking for the divorce, it does not mean you have to give up on your spouse. You can still move on with your life. Divorce can have a profound impact on your daily life. The changes you will experience in your life will need to help you find your place.
You can have a relationship with your partner where you are 100% committed to each other without any friction or annoying tensions.